i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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