It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
