so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
