K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
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