Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
