Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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