I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Randomize
