Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Randomize
