I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Randomize
