I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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