we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize