He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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