Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
