Four minutes until I can fart!
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
