my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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