Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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