get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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