the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Randomize