I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Your topless pictures make me question reality
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
