I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
i've created a new STD.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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