My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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