life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
