Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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