I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
