in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
do nipples grow back?
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