What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
