My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
