I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
...so i touched it.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
