somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
