She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
