All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I need moral support for this bender
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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