you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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