I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
