I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
