Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
accomplished twins. life is a go
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Randomize
