I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Dicks are not precious.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize