Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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