I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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