you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
