The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
