I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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