I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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