What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
