I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
