shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
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