Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
