Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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