I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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