So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
