I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
