we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Randomize
