take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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