come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize