i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
