I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
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