Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
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