what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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