Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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