I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
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