broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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