Jerry, you need to find god
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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